‘member that time I jumped out of some bushes only to meet drawn guns?
What follows is a story in which I made some idiotic, ridiculous, and sophomoric decisions. I like to think that I’m no longer this unpredictable, unstable, or just flat-out dumb. This story will be funny for a lot of people but others might be offended. I only know how to tell the truth and the truth often offends.
This was completely my fault.
It’s senior year in college and I’ve just started dating a new girl. I’m in that clingy stage of the relationship where I just want to be around her all the time and feel slighted when that’s not possible. This girl was cool, smart, athletic, and she did whatever she wanted regardless of what anyone wanted. Ah Saturday night, the height of the weekend social life in college and I was ready to have as much fun as the night would let me. Only problem? She left campus for the weekend to go visit friends at another college about 2 hours away. Oh well! I’m hopping from party to party with my friends, having one of the best times ever, and then the following text message conversation occurs between me and a first-year student;
(him) What are you doing tonight?
(me) Drinking, enjoying everything the weekend has to offer me!
Wanna go on an adventure?
Hmmm…I like adventures. What did you have in mind?
Stacy* (his girlfriend) went with Kim (my special friend) to that party off-campus and I miss Stacy. Wanna go with me to get her?
Well I won’t do much good. I’m way past the point of being able to drive. (p.s. I don’t even have a driver’s license)
It’s OK, I’ll drive. You down?
Thumbs Up! Let’s do this!
I still don’t know how I agreed to something this sudden and irrational so quickly (might it have been the alcohol?) but 10 minutes later I was in his car embarking on a mission. What was that mission? To be do something monumentally dumb (for the tenth time)? To aid in a first-year student’s obsession? To test out the merits of the MADD platform? These were all possible. I don’t know if you’ve ever ridden in a car while intoxicated before but it is interesting, especially when you’re going faster than the speed limit because you start to feel like you’re moving even faster than you actually are. Yikes. At some point I managed to text Kim that I had a surprise for her and that it was really fun and cool (thinking back, this was neither). She wasn’t sure how to respond other than the obligatory “Awesome.” 1 1/2 hours later we arrived at the college where our very special friends were except neither of us had;
- ever been there
- any idea where our friends were
- gone to the bathroom before we left.
We’re driving around the campus hoping for that moment where we’re driving past a room and we see our girls at a party because then we would know we’re in the right place. To any police officer this is definitely starting to look suspicious – 2 young men, driving in circles around campus, no college sticker – yeah this is not looking good. After completing what felt like the 10 lap around a windy campus I tell the driver “I really need to go the bathroom…like now” at which point he pulls up along this beautiful hedge sculpture that some landscape artist probably spent the better part of a week designing. I hop out of the car and sprint to the privacy offered by this botanic masterpiece.
Doesn’t it seem like when cops show up to a situation they never show up alone? And somehow they’ve acquired the latest bright light & invisibility technology? Because no sooner had I undone my zipper that 5 police cruisers appeared out of nowhere and surrounded the vehicle I had spent the past 2 hours in. What was I going to do? I could hear them questioning the driver as to the purpose of his visit, why he’d chosen such a late hour for this rendezvous. To his credit he answered these questions fluidly in a way that was simple, made sense, and partly the truth – we came to surprise our friends. Then came the more damning questions “I thought there were two of you in the car. Where’s your friend? Why are you parked here?” At this point I’ve relieved myself and trying to think of a clever re-entry technique. For some reason I didn’t think that it would be OK with these officers if I just sauntered out this piece of artwork; making it relatively obvious that I had just desecrated this masterpiece with urine.
A (seemingly) brilliant plan began to formulate in my cloudy brain. My friend had just told them that we were there to surprise our friends right? What if I thought that he was going to bring our friends downstairs and that my only motive for being in these bushes was to jump out and surprise them? I clearly hadn’t thought this plan all the way through because I could never have been prepared for what happened next. I mustered up all the coordination I had left (which probably wasn’t much) and jumped out of the bushes yelling at the top of my lungs “SURPRISE!” The officers, probably sure they were the target of an ambush, drew their weapons and trained them on my 6’1, brown-skinned frame. Awkward. To this day I’m thankful they didn’t make the choice to discharge their weapons to neutralize my idiocy. I immediately began to explain my plan to surprise my friends, that they clearly weren’t the intended recipients of my plan, and that I was incredibly sorry if I had startled them. Thankfully, they bought it.
The officers escorted us to the residential hall where our friends were staying and brought our friends out to meet us, effectively ruining any ‘surprise’ we had planned. The unsuspecting women, understandably upset, began lambasting our decision to come liberate them from non-existent threats; and rightfully so.
Next time you’re caught with your pants down, please (please please) don’t make an attempt to surprise someone with a gun. It might be the last surprise you ever attempt.
Take care of yourself and those you love.
*names have been changed to protect the innocent