This is a post filled with questions and no answers. And that’s okay.
Sometimes I put too much pressure on the universe. It’s not fair.
This path that I’ve chosen to walk has taught me a lot about being present and open to everything the universe has to offer. I have loved every minute of it. That’s not to say that everything that happens to me is amazing, there’s the tough shit – that stuff that makes me want to sit in a corner and sulk, but this path also teaches me a lot about finding the lesson in every experience. This experience is full and that experience is full, ‘good’ or ‘bad.’ But what I’ve realized is that this ‘finding’ is a very active process – I see myself trying to fast forward through my experiences to see the lesson because learning all the lessons brings me closer to enlightenment. Right?
What would happen if I just relaxed around each experience and let them run their full course? What would happen if I stopped racing through to learn the lesson, trying to force the end of a challenge?
For the past couple weeks, whenever I’d get into an argument or a difficult conversation I’d be present to the fact that I’d hear myself saying “what’s the lesson in this?” and upon ‘recognizing’ the lesson I’d say “oh, I already got that lesson, universe. You can stop now.” Because I have nothing more to learn. Because once I learn a lesson the first time I never have to learn it again. Because I am on a quest to be the best person I can be. The strongest, the smartest, the wittiest, the most enlightened…
That’s the kind of Alpha bullshit I’d tell myself.
And then even after I acknowledged this I saw something else. When there is stillness in my life, I pressure the universe to send me another lesson – another experience. PLEASE keep stimulating me. I know there are more lessons to learn, more signs to see, why are you holding out on me?! Why do I see myself as so entitled to the lessons I have to learn on my timetable? Can I just find a way to exist and let things happen the way they’re supposed to?
But wait, there’s more.
What about the way I attribute everything to the universe’s divine plan? Whenever something happens around me I give the universe credit (or incredible blame.) My tire is flat? Oh, that’s the universe telling me I shouldn’t go to that party. I ran into the person I didn’t want to see? That’s the universe telling me I have to face the parts of that person that I see in myself. The list goes on. I’m writing about it and I’m already exhausted. I can only imagine how the universe feels (does she even feel?)
I’ll be the first to admit that everything is connected but why do I feel so compelled to see the immediate connections or to instantly learn every lesson? Even in my outwardly calm demeanor I’m pressuring the universe to send me the next lesson, show me the next thing I need to improve in myself, blah blah frickin’ blah.
Here’s to really just being in the moment. Letting everything be. Nothing to learn. Nothing to recognize.
Slow all the way down.