I’ve been carrying around a lot of nervous energy recently and I’m pretty sure I know why. But first, a story. A real life event that happened today that will likely stick with me for the rest of this conscious existence.
Today as I was leaving work (in my typical hustling fashion) to spend some much needed quality time with my wonderful friend I was startled by the voice of a stranger who was walking extremely close to me. “How’s it going?!” I nearly jumped out of my skin and barely looking back I quickened my pace and let out a “pretty good.” Sensing my surprise he asked, quite honestly, “Did I scare you?” Pace quickening even more, “Well, yeah. You did!” He said “Don’t be scared. God is with you.”
Just like that.
He dropped such an enlightening gem on me.
I let his quote linger…God is with me. God is with me. God is with me.
You likely already know that the past few months have led me through a remarkable journey. A test really. One of patience, confidence, tenacity, and the sheer will to succeed. From the mysterious affliction that rendered me unable to walk without the aid of crutches and medication to Yoga Teacher Training to my reentry back into the work I cherish. Now, as I stand on the brink of incredible new beginnings I am scared. That kind of scared that has remarkable potential to leave you paralyzed, that kind of scared that keeps you guessing, that kind of scared that sends constant doses of adrenaline through your entire body. Yes. That kind of scared.
I’m scared of change. I’m scared that the foundations I’ve started to build will continue to change at warp speed. I’m scared that the values that I hold close will be challenged. I’m scared of the darkness that somehow always seems to succeed change. And as I continue to battle this crippling emotion I asked myself, “what are you scared of?”
You’re likely thinking, well you know why…you just said it. But here’s the thing, dear reader, change is what I’m good at. I’m good at moving cities every few years. I’m good at starting new connections. I’m good at managing my emotions about change. In fact, change is the only thing I’ve ever been absolutely certain will come.
And I’ve always been ready.
A couple of years ago when I moved to Sacramento I went through one of the biggest changes I’ve ever experienced and while that may be an overstatement (heck, I’ve moved from one continent to another and then from one side to the other) I had to deal with a kind of change I wasn’t quite ready for. I changed my job, my relationship, and moved to a city where I knew only a handful of people. Top that all off with the fact that I was living alone for the first time…yeah. That kind of change.
But after therapy, yoga, and the intimate experience of searching through my self, I made it to the other side. I saw the love, strength, and community that patiently waited on the other side. After that experience I vowed never to take that kind of trauma on again.
But here we are.
While the circumstances are altered and the change looks remarkably different, this kind of life-altering change is back again. And I’m scared. And I’ve been running from this fear for the past few months; fear of not being able to use my knee like I used to, fear of what my reentry into work would look like, fear of making it through teacher training, all of it. This running is really what has caused me to carry all of this energy squarely on my shoulders. So you can imagine my current emotional self.
God is with me.
Somewhere in the traffic on my way home it really hit me. God is with me. And whatever your relationship with ‘God’ is, consider substituting that nomenclature for whatever it is that you believe in – science, the universe, karma, spirituality, or yes, even God is with you. Because the thing I can be sure about, whatever obstacles I’ve faced, I’ve gotten through and I know for a fact that I didn’t do it alone. So my God may have been my community. My God may have been my will to survive. My God may have been my drive to love equally. My God may have been my ability to accept my imperfections. My God may have been my ability to forgive others and myself. Whatever my God is – God is with me.
As I write this post I realize that on the other end of this season of change, I’ll be okay and more importantly (perhaps undoubtedly) there’ll be more change. And this fear, it might never go away. In fact, I hope it never does because it’s one of the things that propel me forward and assures me that I am alive. What I do know is that no matter how scared I am,
God is with me.