Back in college I had the amazing opportunity to see the poet Iyeoka. She spoke words that helped illuminate parts of me I’d never brought words to. This piece was one that I’ve kept with me and is stunningly apropos. I’ve changed the gendered pronouns and some of the content, even added a bit – the original piece is here. This is what is keeping me grounded right now. If I get the chance to see her again, I’d be exceedingly grateful. (Come to Sacramento, Iyeoka!) Again, not mine – totally hers, just molded to my then (and current) state.

Let us start with what I did not say
I did not say:
Abandon me

I am broken
I have the ability to become stone
My eyes will reflect everything
About me you will never know

I will betray you on more twilights than you deserve

You will discover I am not the man you thought I was
For you have found a way to strangle me
Stripping his spirit like a mutiny in the night

This image of pure and perfection
Of yours and happily ever after
This deep-rooted pedestal
This pluck of beauty and magic and human

We are both damaged now

Dancing on the hollow graves of our yesterdays
But you will only endure one side to this story

And believe what you need to justify
That which has blinded you for so long
You will regret every moment you contemplated

Leaving him behind
But you will leave him behind
Slowly detaching yourself from the memory

Of ever committing to love like this
You will replay your life in reverse from present to past tense
In attempts to retrace the position of the trapped door
The hologram, the imaginary friends, the scent of another person

That led you down the path of doubting your heart again and again

The ONE thing you could have trusted amidst the Illusions of immaculate confessions and conversations

So let us continue with one of them
With what I did say
I said:
I am leaving you
I am finding strength from the parts of myself
That you have neglected
I have the ability to become stone

But will choose to remain a man

I will cry when I need to cry

I will never contemplate suicide
I will breathe

I will write
I will balance dancing eating sleeping

i will get up in the morning
I will avoid wasting days

I will find a way to revive the person
I loved before I loved you
This image of pure and perfection
Of yours and happily ever after
This deep-rooted pedestal
This pluck of beauty and magic and human.